Sex is Holy?

I’m going to step away from the Unveiled Reality posts for the next couple of days and address one of the biggest obstacles to a healthy sex life I have had to overcome (Hubby and I are both overcoming this, but I’m only writing it from my point of view…I’m trying to talk him into some guest posts).

The view that sex is holy.

I grew up in church. That means from the time I hit puberty, pretty much the only message I ever heard about sex was “don’t do it.” Maintaining my purity was of utmost importance in order to give the gift of my virginity to my future husband, and the loud-and-clear message was that my virginity was the most important thing I could give him.

So I didn’t have sex.

I also didn’t really learn anything about sex in church. There was no Christian voice speaking over the roar of culture to tell me the truth: that sex is everywhere in Scripture and that God has so much more to say than just “don’t do it.”

So, most of what I learned about sex came from movies, friends who were already having sex, and the things I overheard from my classmates and peers. Additionally, when I was around 11 or 12, my best friend at the time showed me a porn movie she had found in her parents’ nightstand.

Not a great education.

Then Hubby and I got married at the young age of 20 (because we saved sex for marriage, we weren’t going to wait forever). During our pre-marital counseling with our pastor, the sum of preparation for sex in marriage was as follows:

“If you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex the first year of marriage and then take a penny out every time you have sex for the rest of your lives, you’ll never empty the jar.”

That was it. So I walked into marriage with the expectation that we would have loads of sex, although I didn’t know what on earth I was doing.

Our wedding night was amazing and I truly felt the oneness that sexual intimacy brought. I didn’t climax any of the 5 times, but that didn’t matter. I knew it was okay to be excited about sex, and I was, but that excitement quickly waned on our honeymoon when it didn’t feel as good as I’d hoped it would. It felt difficult, sometimes hurt, and was incredibly awkward.

Oh how I wish someone had explained the necessity of foreplay!

Over the years, we figured out the mechanics of sex and we learned how to make sure each of us had an orgasm every time. We fell into a very comfortable sex life, and there were years where sex was very fulfilling for both of us. My sex drive was always much lower than Hubby’s (thanks to the Pill), but we made it work.

However, as I grew spiritually and drew closer to the Lord (especially as we went to the mission field), sex became less and less appealing. I honestly never realized it, but somewhere along the way I had started to increasingly feel like sex was dirty.

As a good, Christian wife, I shouldn’t want it, right?

Men want sex and their wives acquiesce, right?

Sex was for making babies and satisfying my husband, not for my pleasure. Right?

Only “dirty” women desire sex, right?

I still enjoyed sex and was able to climax, but increasingly, I limited our sex acts to things I felt were “right” and had started to experience a vague guilt each time I did enjoy it a lot. I also started to avoid anything that might be construed as “worldly” or “dirty.”

I didn’t recognize it in myself, so I didn’t realize that I had started to resent my husband for asking for sex too often or asking for his favorite “favors.” I felt that having sex too often was wrong and those “favors” were downright dirty in God’s eyes. After our babies were born, I mostly just had obligation sex and I consistently refused my husband any “favors.”

And we continued to grow apart.

It wasn’t until after my husband’s admission of porn use and the numerous conversations about our marriage and sex that ensued that I finally started making connections.

When I opened up and shared this struggle with my best friend, the conversation that followed was shocking…she shared with me her view of sex within marriage. She’s a mature believer, conservative in many ways, and she wholeheartedly believes that sex is holy and that God wants us to not just have sex, but to enjoy it with our husbands. She shared with me The Marriage Bed website, and what I found there honestly stunned me. Sex is good? Sex is holy? Sex is meant to be enjoyed by both man and wife?!? I couldn’t believe that I was reading “how to” posts on oral sex, stripping for your husband, and positions to help women climax.

Hubby and I started reading The Marriage Bed together, I started reading other Christian marriage blogs (see Blog Love list) and sending him links, and we began reading the book, Sacred Sex, together.

The sexual revolution had begun.

More on that tomorrow!
C.