Pretty early on after discovering my husband’s porn habit, I laid face-down on the living room floor, pouring my heart out to God, crying out for Him to fix my husband.
And I felt that still, small voice ask, “What about you?”
Um, what?!? I’m not the one who sinned! He was addicted to porn and committed adultery of the mind and heart!
But instead of hardening my heart or affirming my anger, God nudged me to surrender. I felt the question repeated, “What about you?” After some struggle and fight, I did surrender and I asked God to show me the ways that I’ve sinned against Him and my husband, to show me ways that I’ve hurt Hubby, to show me places where I’m not being obedient to His Word.
And God is faithful to answer those prayers.
Almost immediately, I felt convicted of three important things.
First, I was hardly ever a safe place for my husband to share his heart.
The Holy Spirit reminded me of a few times over the years (though there were many) when Hubby had opened up and shared things with me that were bothering him or weighing on his heart. Instead of hearing what he had to say and reacting with grace, I immediately got defensive, responded in anger, or dismissed him entirely. How dare he point out my flaws!
And there were other times, too. I often asked Hubby to open up to me and share his fears, his dreams, etc. But I was honestly a little afraid to hear his fears. Sometimes he’d stick his toe in the water and feel me out, and I shut him down. I wanted him to share his dreams with me, but I didn’t really want to hear his fears, because they scared me, too.
How awful it must have been for him to not be able to confide in his wife his deepest struggles and fears! No wonder he didn’t ever tell me his struggle with pornography!
Second, I rarely showed him respect and often emasculated him.
Truthfully, I didn’t grow up seeing respect and submission modeled. My mom was a product of feminism, and she often told me that I needed to make sure my husband respected me or that I didn’t need a man to take care of me.
I had absolutely no idea how much that shaped me until just recently. I frequently heard other Christian wives talk about how important Biblical submission and respect for our husbands are, but I dismissed that as an old-school notion that didn’t apply to today’s modern world.
Oh how wrong I was!
I stumbled upon The Forgiven Wife (another great marriage blog!!) and she wrote about The Respect Dare by Nina Roesner. I read a little about it and then ordered it. As I started through it, I realized that I had literally never learned how to respect my husband. I also didn’t realize that respect is like air to our husbands.
Through the book and numerous conversations with Hubby, I also realize just how emasculated he often felt. I used to get so mad at him for not being the leader I wanted, but every time he tried to make a decision for us, I undermined him or argued. In short, I disrespected him. I never did it maliciously, but it hurt him nonetheless. Years of my behavior chipped away at him and instead of standing up, he retreated.
Third, refusing my husband sexually had been not only direct disobedience of the Word of God, but also deeply hurtful to my husband.
I honestly had no idea. As time went on and we grew further apart, he walled himself off emotionally and our relationship grew more business-like, so I felt completely justified in refusing him. My needs weren’t being met, so why should I meet his? Again, how wrong I was!
We are journeying toward healthy sexual intimacy, little by little. I have learned so much about what the “gatekeeping” of sex can do to a man, and how my actions had made my husband feel. He is still 100% responsible for his choices, but I am also 100% responsible for mine.
I’ve come to the realization through all of this that God doesn’t call me to be obedient only when my husband is doing what I want or being obedient to God, too. He calls me to obedience no matter what.
It’s been hard–I’m not going to lie. My husband has had to work so hard to change who he is so that he doesn’t fall back into the trap of lust and pornography, and I’ve also had to work hard to change who I am so I don’t fall back into my own sin patterns. God is changing us both to our very cores, and this refining process is hard!
But He is redeeming us and our marriage for our good and His glory. So it’s completely worth it!
What sins have you been convicted of within your marriage? How did that realization change things for you?
Much love,
C.
A Beautifully Wrecked Marriage 