I Trust Your Heart

That first night, after finding out my husband had been habitually using pornography, after countless tears, after hours of discussion, we finally collapsed into bed, exhausted and ready to sleep.

But I still had numerous thoughts tumbling around in my head. And the most prominent thought was, “How can I ever trust him again?”

It’s more than just the porn use. It’s also the lying and secrecy that absolutely obliterates trust.

While I had never point-blank asked my husband if he looked at porn until that night, he had never confessed on his own, either. He had masqueraded about as if everything was fine, as if his way-too-long trips to the bathroom were something else, as if I was the only woman he ever looked at or fantasized about.

And on the flip side, he struggled alone. He was walking a path of secret sexual sin that only leads away from God and toward death…all alone. We talked about returning to the mission field, but the shame he felt smothered any sense of calling. We actively served at church, but the sin he was in kept him from freely loving and worshipping our Savior. We slowly drifted apart, our one flesh marriage being torn, but the secrecy of his infidelity kept him from seeking true oneness and intimacy.

That night, God had given me His eyes through which to see my husband. He had allowed me to feel love and compassion, to extend grace, and to even begin forgiving him. It was nothing short of miraculous.

And yet there was still the gigantic issue of the fact that in one evening, I went from trusting my husband completely to feeling like I would never be able to trust him again. It was a hurdle that felt too huge to jump.

As we laid in bed and prayed together for the first time in a very long time, I realized that while I would not trust many of his words, I certainly wouldn’t trust him on the Internet, and I couldn’t imagine trusting him with my body again, there was still a sliver of trust.

“I trust your heart,” I whispered in the dark. “I don’t trust anything else about you right now, but I do trust your heart. I trust the heart of the man I married.”

At that, he wept. Any grace, any forgiveness, any love, any compassion I showed him was far too much for him to accept. Still today, he struggles to believe that he’s worthy of any of it. So I also repeated the Gospel to him.

“I know you feel like your sin is way too big to ever be forgiven. I know you feel like you’ll never get back into right standing with God, but Jesus died for even this. He pursued you while you actively turned away from him and chased your own selfish desires. If you are truly repentant and have turned back to Him, then it’s already done. When God looks at you, He sees the blood of Jesus. The sin is washed away and you’re made new.

“I know you don’t believe it right now, but I’ll say it until you do. The fact that God led me to that link, the fact that He uncovered your sin and brought it into the light is a true testament to His mercy and love for you.”

“And I trust your heart.”

Much love,
C.