More on Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction

I left off on my last post with our anniversary weekend, when I wore gorgeous lingerie for my husband and he was unable to sustain enough of an erection to make love to me to climax.  If you haven’t read that post, go back and read it first, then come back here.

After that unsuccessful and very hurtful, failed lovemaking over our anniversary, the only thing that made sense to me was that he told me he desired me, but really (thanks to porn) he was turned off by me and all of my flaws. He wanted to desire me, but I just didn’t arouse him the way porn had.

And that just about killed me.

Over the next couple of weeks, we had some of the worse conflicts since I discovered his porn use. I was deeply hurt by the way he kept insisting that the ED was just because he was tired, insisting that he truly desired me and that I really did turn him on.

Yet his excuses didn’t line up with reality. Sometimes, he was running on a handful of hours of sleep, and his penis worked fine. Other times, he was well-rested and it didn’t. Still others, he was tired and it didn’t work.

There was no way to predict what would happen, and I was So. Tired. of putting myself out there sexually only to have him not get aroused enough to make love to me.

It was humiliating.

And then one day just a couple days before Christmas, I was researching erectile dysfunction after porn use. I discovered the website, Your Brain On Porn, and as I read story after story from men who had experienced this, I realized that our experience matched porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) perfectly.

When he got home that night, I had him read it, too. He finally agreed that it did sound like he had PIED, which was a very difficult thing for him to admit. For a lot of men, it doesn’t start right away after stopping the porn use, and it can last anywhere from a few days to several months. Every man is different.

But discovering this meant that we were able to let out a huge sigh of relief. He admitted that the whole situation had completely confused and frustrated him, and I was really hurt and confused by it, too. Finally, we actually had a very reasonable explanation for why it works sometimes, and why other times nothing at all happens.

Over the next couple of days, as Hubby continued to process this information, he realized that his “flatline” days (we call them low days) presented themselves as feeling tired; however, as he analyzed them more carefully, he realized that it was more a feeling of depression and a complete lack of interest in anything, not just sex. They are zombie days. But other days, he feels fine and thinks about sex a normal amount, is aroused easily, and orgasms without frustration.

We also realized that often, when he has an orgasm, it’s typically followed by a couple of “flatline” days. From everything we’ve read on YBOP and watched on Reboot Nation, this is a normal experience and eventually gets better.

Since that day, we’ve changed up our strategy some.

Before that, we had been taking turns initiating lovemaking so that we were both being vulnerable and thinking about how to excite the other. The problem with that was that I never knew when his penis would work, so sometimes I initiated and he hardly responded or had a lot of trouble. And those days hurt so much. It seemed to confirm all of my insecurities and made me feel like I STILL wasn’t enough for my own husband. It was awful and caused a lot of pain.

Now, we don’t surprise each other by initiating lovemaking. If I’m feeling in the mood, I tell him early in the day and find out what kind of day he’s having first. He feels free to be open about whether or not it’s a low day.

We’ve also kind of scheduled sexual activity. We had read that consistency will work to rewire his brain (and help us build intimacy). So we’ve decided to be sexually intimate at least 3 times per week. And on those days, even if we start foreplay and notice that it’s a lower day than he thought (and therefore he’s struggling to stay erect), we simply enjoy each other. We may just kiss or touch or lay with one another naked instead.

We also read a lot about making love without orgasm. For some men, it’s the orgasm itself that throws them into the “flatline,” which seems to be Hubby’s experience. Instead of climaxing every time, we have agreed that some days we’ll make love slowly, gently, and without climax. This gives us a chance to simply enjoy being aroused, focus on each other, enjoy the amazing sensations of sex, and experience intimacy. This type of lovemaking also helps him to rewire his brain as he heals and recovers from his porn addiction.

It’s bizarre and completely uncharted territory for us. It’s still frustrating for both of us, and some days I get mad about it because he did this. We’re in our early 30s dealing with ED because of his poor choices. So I’m constantly having to surrender my frustration to the Lord. We’ve spent a good deal of time praying about healing in this area, too, and feel like we just have to keep at it. Eventually we know that his brain will be rebooted, his mind rewired to me instead of porn, and the ED will be gone.

But for now, we are patient and prayerful.

Have any of you gone through this? What worked or didn’t work for you? Any advice you could throw our way?

Much love,
C.