Going to Battle Against Pornography

One of my all-time favorite movies is Saving Private Ryan. I love WWII-era movies and books, and that film is both devastating and beautiful. But that scene on Normandy Beach is incredibly difficult to watch every single time. It puts you right there in the heart of the action; you can feel the fear, smell the blood, taste the sand. It’s so visceral. And I’ve thought about that scene numerous times over the last 8 weeks.

Finding out that my husband had been using pornography on and off for our entire marriage, and habitually using it for the last few years, destroyed me emotionally. The depths of pain that sexual betrayal cause feel limitless, the darkness complete. In that moment, it felt at once like everything I knew was a lie and that so many things made sense. It robbed me of the feeling of safety and security within my marriage, and the horror of the kinds of images my husband had in his mind caused a tremendous desire to cover myself. I felt like that guy in the movie, the one lying on the beach with his guts hanging out, in excruciating pain and dying slowly.

And yet.

My husband was repentant. The night he confessed, he was as broken as I’d ever seen him, completely buried in shame and self-loathing. He cried out to me and cried out to God. Thankfully, God had given me His eyes with which to see my husband, so instead of feeling anger and hatred toward him, I felt compassion, love, and grace. I could see that his sexual sin had him in bondage. I could see that his sexual sin had isolated him from me and from God. I could see that his sexual sin had him trapped in a cycle of pain, indulgence, and shame. I hurt for him and the darkness he’d been living in.

So that night I made a decision. I decided that I would stand and fight WITH my husband, not AGAINST him. I would be his ally in this war. I would battle alongside him, with the full armor of God on and the sword of the Spirit swinging. I would hold him up in prayer, I would ask him the hard questions, I would listen without judgement or condemnation. I believed in our marriage and I believed in my husband’s desire for freedom from the bondage of sin, and I knew that the only way to win this war was to battle TOGETHER.

And that’s what we’ve been doing since that night we sat on the couch and my husband told me he had been fighting a losing battle with pornography.

That night, we prayed together for the first time in a very long time. I warred in prayer over him, begging God for freedom, praying against the schemes of Satan, and praying blessings over my husband and my marriage. During that prayer, Hubby saw a terrifying picture of Satan walking toward him in RAGE. He was clearly out to get my husband, to drag him back down to Hell. But as I warred in prayer, Hubby saw Satan slowly turn away and the image dissipated. Hubby said it was the scariest image he’s ever seen in his life.

We are not unaware of the enemy’s schemes. We know that the fight against pornography is a fight for my husband’s very soul, and that pornography is straight from the depths of Hell. We also know that at no time in the future should we ever feel like the fight is completely over, grow complacent, and let our guards down.

And yet.

We know that Christ came to set the captives free. We know that in His love and mercy, He pursued my husband and it was in that mercy that Hubby’s secret was uncovered. We know that the words in Romans 8 are true, that Christ Jesus set us free and that the Holy Spirit dwells within us and helps us in our weakness. We know that because of the cross, the war is already won.

And that kind of hope is powerful, transformative, and life-giving.

Much love,
C.

Spielberg, S. (Director), & Rodat, R. (Writer). (1998). Saving Private Ryan [Motion Picture]. United States: DreamWorks.