Raw Emotion

If you have walked through the trauma of finding out your husband uses pornography, then you know the roller coaster of emotions that follows discovery.

The first few weeks after discovery were by far the most intense, and the healing that has taken place is only by God’s grace and mercy. He has spoken so much truth to me about my identity (hint: it’s not found in my husband), my hope (again, shouldn’t be in my husband), my body and insecurities (I’m fearfully and wonderfully made), and my own sin in our marriage and how it impacted Hubby (more on that later).

With that said, I still have had to walk through the intense, fluctuating, and sometimes completely crippling emotions that follow the kind of deep betrayal I experienced. I spent (and still spend) my boys’ nap times journaling and praying through what I was feeling, and then I processed it all with Hubby in the evenings during our Couch Conversations. It’s been brutal at times, but completely necessary for my healing.

So here are the more prominent emotions I’ve experienced…

Grief

The kind of grief I felt after discovery was deep and dark. My husband and I have known each other since we were kids, and we have always been best friends. The fact that he was lying, sneaking, and keeping a whole, huge part of his life secret from me caused the most intense sadness I’ve ever felt. I have wept so much over the loss of everything I thought I knew. My heart felt like it had actually broken, and the only way to express that was through weeping.

Doubt

As Hubby answered my numerous questions about his porn use, I would initially believe what he told me. However, usually the day after each conversation I was completely assailed by doubt. I would wonder if he was still lying to me, what he was omitting, and what else I still needed to uncover. I doubted whether I had ever truly known him or if everything about him and our marriage had been a lie. That doubt led to some crazy behaviors on my part (more on that later), but once it would take hold, it wouldn’t let go. Thankfully, though I still have brief moments of some doubt, this one seems to largely have ceased as Hubby has been consistent in seeking the Lord, sharing his heart with me, and following our plan for purity.

Anger

Oh the anger! I have been very careful when I express my anger to Hubby, because I know that anger can burn out of control and I have no desire to heap more shame on my husband. However, I have yelled a few times, dropped some choice words, and made it clear that I felt this one strongly. I have been angry at him, angry at Satan, angry at porn, angry at the people who create it, and angry at the way it makes me feel. The majority of my anger, though, has been at Hubby. He looked at porn, imagined having sex with those women, and rejected me in the process. How could I not be angry about that?!? Anger still creeps up, but it has become less frequent and less intense over the last few weeks, and I’m thankful for that (and I’m sure he is, too).

Fear

This one is not surprising. I have felt so much fear. I’ve been afraid that he was still lying (see doubt), afraid that if I trust him he’ll hurt me again, afraid he’ll make a fool out of me again. I’ve been afraid that he’ll never gain freedom from this, afraid that he secretly misses the porn, and afraid that he’ll go running back to it someday. I’ve been afraid that he’s actually repulsed by my body, that he’s only having sex with me because he has no other options, and that he views me as sexually incompetent. But I’ve mostly been afraid that this battle will last the rest of our lives, and that thought both exhausts and terrifies me. Yet I know that I just have to trust God with my husband and continue walking the path He has called me to. My hope is in Him, not my husband.

Insecurity

I’ve written about this before, but this one is big. I’ve felt insecure about everything from the way my body looks to the faces I make during sex to how good I am in bed to whether or not Hubby is noticing other women in public. I felt like if I had only been enough for him–skinny enough, sexy enough, better in bed, etc, etc–he wouldn’t have turned to porn. I had a meltdown when I tried to shop for lingerie for our anniversary, because I won’t look as good as the models in it. I’ve even questioned how good my cooking is and whether Hubby wishes he had married someone who’s more natural in the kitchen. Seriously, nothing has been off-limits from Satan’s lies.

Rejection

Probably the biggest emotion I’ve felt is rejection. Hubby didn’t initially see it that way (though he does now), but every time he chose to walk into the bathroom and look at porn, he rejected me. He rejected my body, my sexuality, my friendship, our marriage, our dreams, his family, and God. We saved ourselves for marriage, which means that Hubby is the only person who has ever received the gift of my sexuality, so the fact that he chose pornography over me felt like the deepest, most personal rejection I could ever experience. I’m still working through this one, but his continued love and acceptance of me has helped tremendously, as has a thorough study of Scripture and my worth in Christ.

This a short list and not meant to be all-inclusive, because there are varying shades of these emotions, as well as others that have made surprise appearances; however, from what I understand through reading others’ experiences and from counseling, these are all completely normal. The intensity of the emotional roller coaster has let up, but I still have moments of panic. I share them with Hubby, we talk through them, and we pray. I’m not walking through this perfectly and we know that recovery is messy and non-linear, but each day I’m moving forward.

I’ll just be so glad when I remember Discovery Day and feel no emotional reaction.

But that day isn’t here yet.